I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
two words...techno handjob
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize