I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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