I cannot find my penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
