i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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