I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
