Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
