I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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