I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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