I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
