I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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