Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize