I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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