I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
