I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
