Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
