if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
