He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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