Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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