There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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