I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
