Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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