you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
