I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
