just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
