the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
