we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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