I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
