what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
