chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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