youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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