Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
