Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
