I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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