census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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