Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
