i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
