you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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