you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize