Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize