I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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