I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
