he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
