I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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