When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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