girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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