ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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