i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
