I wish I could teleport
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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