When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
