it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
