Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
