Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
