i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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