smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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