tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
