i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
