i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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