new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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