why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This is my gift to your gina
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
