We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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