I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
