The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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