Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
