I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
