12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
