The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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