It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
