I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
