I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Come on in and take your pants off
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