I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
