Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
