hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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